What to Do When Your Peer Becomes Your Boss

Your colleague just got a promotion. Now, instead of being your peer, she’s your boss. Does your relationship need to change? Should you act differently, or expect her to treat you differently? In other words, how do you manage up to someone who’s just jumped a level above you and who might’ve been a friend?

What the Experts Say
“It’s a weird situation to be in,” admits Robert Sutton, a professor at Stanford University and author of The No Asshole Rule, for both you and the new boss. Sutton says there are two primary risks. The first is that your former peer “can’t quite accept the new role, pretends that nothing will change, and continues to act like your friend,” which might sound OK for you but “is not good for the group.” The second is that “the power goes to their head: They talk too much, push everyone around, and don’t listen.”

The good news is that you can help mitigate these risks. In some ways, you’ll have to treat your new boss like you would a manager you’ve never met before, says Michael Watkins, author of The First 90 Days. This means establishing how you’ll work together, clarifying expectations, and helping them secure a few small wins early on. But you can’t ignore the preexisting relationship. Here’s how to handle the transition.

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Accept that things will change
Don’t think that you and your peer-turned-boss are still going to go out for beers on Thursdays or grab a casual lunch together. “You can still have a warm, respectful relationship,” says Sutton. But if your manager does a good job of assuming his new role, he’s going to establish some “social distance” so he can more effectively step up to the job of coaching and assessing you. If you two are good friends, this can be painful. But “it seldom works to have a friend evaluating you,” says Watkins. Don’t take the change personally. It’s what’s best for the business and, ultimately, for you.

Know you might have an advantage, but don’t expect it
There’s a serious advantage to having already worked with your new boss, says Watkins: “To a degree, you know that person, you know their style.” Sutton agrees: “If it’s someone you have a good relationship with, it can put you in the position where you now have an important ally. You may be able to get projects more easily approved or bend her ear when you have an idea.” But don’t presume anything. Watkins says one of the big mistakes people make is “asking for special treatment based on their past relationship or behaving like they’re still going to have the kind of influence they had when they were peers.” Your boss probably wants to demonstrate that she’s going to give the same attention to everyone, even her former teammates.

Signal the new relationship
Ideally, your new boss will sit down with you to discuss how you’re going to work together going forward. But if he doesn’t take the initiative, do this yourself. Tell him that you understand things are different now and that you want to find a new way of working well together. Sutton did that when one of his peers was promoted to department chair, telling him, “You’re my boss now. It’s your job to make decisions, and I won’t always agree with them, but I will follow them.” The goal here is to help your colleague accept her new authority over you and demonstrate that you trust her to do the job.

Even a subtler signal — saying something like, “I’m looking forward to working with you in your new role” — can be useful, Watkins adds. This saves your boss the discomfort of having to overtly acknowledge the shifting power dynamic. “You don’t want the person to feel like they need to assert their authority because you’re not recognizing it.”

Think about how you can help
If you were in contention for the promotion your peer got, your ego may be wounded. But it’s important to get over it and focus on what you can do to help your new boss succeed. This is a big moment for her, and she’s probably spending a lot of time and energy trying to figure out how to be effective in the role. So be empathetic and try to anticipate what she needs, says Watkins. “The more you understand the situation the boss is facing, the better off you are,” he says. Sutton agrees that your goal should be to support your peer-turned-manager as she “grows into the new role.” You might help them get organized, shape their vision, strategy, and goals, or volunteer to tackle a particular project that would help them have a significant impact in a short period of time, says Watkins. Remember to be patient, too. “They’re probably not going to function right away at the same level that your former boss did,” Watkins says. “They’re going to be on a learning curve.”

Don’t kiss up and become a confidante
As Sutton explains in his book Good Boss, Bad Boss, research shows that two things reliably happen when you become a manager: “People start flattering you, and they stop delivering bad news to you.” You can set yourself apart by doing neither. First, “focus on interactions that are going to add value for them and for the business,” advises Watkins. Offer support and information, but not in a way that raises questions about whether you’re “a political operator.” Make sure your overtures are authentic and relevant. Second, establish yourself as someone who is willing to tell it like it is and bring forward employee concerns. “It’s a bit of risk to be a truth teller,” Sutton says, “but as a former peer, it’s one of the most valuable things you can do.” Even direct, personal feedback is OK, he adds, especially if the person’s promotion has gone to their head. “You owe it to them to pull them aside and tell them to tone it down a bit, particularly if they’re being arrogant or destructive.” If your new boss finds that he can rely on you to be forthright, he’s more likely to turn to you as a sounding board.

When your relationship isn’t strong…
Sometimes the peer who gets promoted isn’t someone with whom you had a good relationship previously. But getting along with her is especially important now. “If it’s someone who you really don’t like and is maybe even out to get you,” you have two tasks, Sutton says. First, “be nicer” to her. Second, advocate for yourself through your network. “Figure out which allies on your team or outside it can pressure the boss to treat you better than she would otherwise,” he suggests. After all, whether you like the person or not, she is now one of your most critical relationships at work.

Principles to Remember

Do:

• Openly acknowledge that your former peer is now in charge and you intend to work well with her
• Put yourself in his shoes and try to figure out what will help him be successful
• Set yourself apart by being willing to share concerns and deliver bad news

Don’t:

• Assume that your relationship won’t change. It will — and should.
• Expect that you will get special treatment because you’ve worked with the boss before
• Kiss up. Many people do, but your new boss will be wary of such behavior.